28号的一点小感

[已经28号了，其紧迫性和严峻性，恐怕不用我再次强调了吧，hyj?！]

这几天爷爷一直在说自己全身都是病。这是服老了吧，还是认老但不服？老了真的好可怕。看着儿子女儿，孙子孙女越长越大，越来越本事，而自己再长的只是浑身的毛病。不想变老。不想把生活过得像程序一样，不想天天吃药，不想满屋子找刚从超市买回来的东西，不想定期地去医院，用医生恐怖的脸孔提醒自己这部老机器该退休了。老了应该会很留恋年轻时的身强力壮，血气方刚吧。还是索性就什么也不想，天天守着时钟准时吃药和吃饭，然后在傍晚来临的时候感叹又是一天过去了。那时会是一种怎样的心情呢？悲伤？麻木？庆幸？不忍？

想得太远了。。

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重回某些问题吧。

一个人在家里莫名其妙的想出一些情景来，然后把没机会和某些人说的话一古脑说出来，好像在演练，为了下次机会出现的时候能好好把握/出气。。就像sex and the city 里面的charlotte一样"i cursed you since the day you were born!" {哈哈，邪恶地笑，然后自嘲}

弱为强食，看来只有让自己变强才是王道~

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今天看了ugly betty，赞一下。很是励志啊（虽然只看了一集。。。）

今天就到这儿吧，休息，休息一下~ 附美图一张，保持好心情~

愿全家身体健康~

27

已经是27号了，离1月2号还有5天，每天写一篇essay的话差不多可以干完。。。还要争取做一个resume出来！！

天很冷。。。我也要保持冷静。。。

加油！

一切正在痛苦挣扎的人们也请加油！

（翻到以前的一张照片，挺符合现在的情境，拿出来共勉一下:) ）

圣经上说：
"While the earth remains,
Seedtime and harvest,
Cold and heat,
Winter and summer,
And day and night
Shall not cease."

是啊，不管发生什么事情，有些事情总是会亘古存在着。生活也是一样，有些事该做，一直在做，也一定要做，就像大自然的规律，再顺理不过了。而这些事就是撑起生活的骨架。平时也许不会被人注意到，甚至遭人厌烦；但当这些事情突然消失的时候，人才意识到原来自己多么地依赖这些平凡的琐碎。
珍惜这些自然存在且无法改变的东西，平和地共存。

圣诞快乐。

随便唧唧歪歪一下

昨天下了第一场雪。可惜起得太晚， 没看到。咳呀，四年以来的第一场雪，竟然就这么错过了:''(

气温也随着第一场雪的到来降到了零下。手脚冰凉。

今天大哭了一场。好像是蓄积了很久的泪水，终于在今天找到了一点小小的理由发泄了出来。我一直认为哭是一种心理健康的表现 （哈，哭了还找理由）

明天就是平安夜了，应该哪儿都不会去吧。一个人呆在家里写essay.听起来好凄惨。事实的确是如此。

没事没事，挺过去就好了:) 其实就这么一点小破事，难不倒老娘的！

对了，今天钢琴老师表扬我学得快，有天赋，hohohoho~ 暗喜一下

on my own

i tried to convince myself to accept the truth: I'm officially on my own now.

it's more of a psycho difference i think. i didn't depend on him that much actually. but the fact that i could look for him when facing a problem made me feel more secured and less feared (though he didn't help much)

it feels like the whole world is shuttering and i don't have a shelter. but i have to go no matter what. or do i have a choice?

on my own. fight alone. let those who abandoned me know that I'm totally fine without them.

yes, you may cry. but after that, get up and stop being a fool.

很累。不是因为写不出东西绞尽脑汁而累，使因为没有用尽全力而累。就好像没上发条的钟，越走越吃力，最终会停止。很想干点刺激的事，很想找个理由冲动一下，很想突然迸发出一种干劲把事情都利索地干完。这好像不像我。

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刚刚和一个12岁的小朋友逛书店。看得都是些很小孩的书。几乎忘了我在那个年纪的时候是怎么过来的。

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看到一系列的“改变”的书，“改变自己获得成功”，“改变习惯获得成功”，“改变心态获得成功”... ... 改变真的那么容易吗？或者我们真的需要改变吗？如果我继续这样，我会通向哪里？

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今天和妈妈给我联系的法语老师通了电话。从声音和说话的感觉中可以听得出来她是一个很有激情的人，听她讲话让我觉得仿佛又回到了那个时候，为了promo复习逼自己早起，为了能看得下去econs搬到study hall去学习，为了拿到一个pass拼命地看看不懂的chem 。

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小时候经常看到爷爷把烂了的桔子扔掉，他说烂桔子是会传染的，会把霉菌带给周围的桔子。是的。他说得一点也没错。

i'm on board!

Dearest,

i know you feel lazy sometime, i know you feel helpless sometime, i know there are times you get frustrated and unsure about yourself... But but but, don't give up yet. you get enough of this and.. HEY, WAKE UP PPL! TIME TO WORK!!!

when i wake up tmr morning, there will only be two things in my life: application and piano.
Everything will be fine in the end, if it's not fine, it's not the end yet:)

your dearest

今天第三次来这里的。我想我已经把这里当成窝了吧。好像是对这一堵墙，可以放心地说一个下午，虽然没有回应，但说出来了心里舒坦。

ed的结果已经陆陆续续出来了。几家欢喜几家忧，但大部分都是赢家。

心里其实有点发毛，不知道自己的未来会怎样。完全无私的祝贺和恭喜是不存在的，除非将自己全然抽离。总参杂着些羡慕和向往。为有些人鸣不值，感慨一些无法改变的不公，但又有什么用呢？这个世界本来就是不公的，既然活着就会亲历或目睹这些不公，那么像我这种选择“好死不如烂活”的庸人又有什么可怨的呢？

我们要好好的，踏踏实实的守着自己的窝，泡一杯暖暖的茶，看一部长长的电影，睡一个安实的觉。明天一大早起来，发现周围的一切都没有改变，但是，我已明朗了许多。

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当你说话的时候，
你是儒雅的，
让人笃信你的正直，善良，敏锐和智慧

可是，关于你的一切在悄悄地改变着
就像宏伟的雕像被渐渐地腐蚀
脱落了鲜亮的外表
这时，我才猛然发现
原来你也有着斑驳的锈迹，沟壑的凹槽

是我错了，
起初就不该把你这座雕像构筑得如此傲人，
连我这个勾筑者也只能卑微的仰望

我又一次让我失望了

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讨厌被人利用，不要把我礼让当成你的工具，
今天我讨厌你！我不会再傻傻地顺从了！！
如果你再这样，wtf, 老娘我don't care!!!

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骂完了心里爽多了，给将来的自己：今天写的都是不同的事，但为的都是同一点，让自己强大起来，you deserve better:)

i wish i could understand not only what others are saying but also what they are not saying
i wish i could totally depend on myself
not like now, waiting for someone's reply, checking email ten times a day

i wish i would not have this kind of feeling anymore
yearning to express my thoughts but don't know how

everything will be fine:)

had a haircut last night. now, my fringe is officially a bang: stupid, dumb, retarded...nvm, hair can grow.



surprisingly, Mom likes it!!! G gap...

you're making the most stupid mistake a woman can make!

原来你一直都不需要保护色，
一直都是赤裸裸的，坦荡荡的

你说的，你写的，和你
矛盾地存在着

哪一个才是真正的你？

也许都不是吧

你本身就是一个对立体的集合
被自己刺伤是在所难免的
你仍然坚信善良的存在

我说的对吗？


哈，一个小屁孩唧唧歪歪的瞎想~

soooo sleepy

didn't sleep at all last night T__T
feel very dizzy now...but i cant go back to my room cos the cleaners are doing year end room cleaningT__T
@$#^%&^*&*(%&^U#%

你知道吗

对有些人的看法是会改变的

有的人有一种神奇的力量

能让人像上了瘾一样听他讲话

能让人捉摸不透

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你披着一层保护色

保护自己

也保护了身边的人

可以相信你吗?

语言, 对你来说是一种最简单不过的工具

你用它谋生

你用它掩护

你用它欺骗

你真的在乎你周遭的人吗?

也许你只是在找个听众

或者在为别人找个听众

孤独是会蔓延的

我只是想听你说说话

做个浅浅的朋友

偶尔扮演听众的角色

你会愿意吗?

恐怕只会笑我傻吧

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好奇杀死猫

没有被完全满足的好奇呢?

知情是恐怖的

具有杀伤力的

当一些本无所谓，但被深埋的事情被知晓后，

会怎样呢？

这不是个真善美的世界

尽管竭尽全力地说服自己要相信善良，美好，包容，正义... ...一切

但对于有些人和事，

这个世界总是耿耿于怀

世上没有完全的包容

也没有完全的被包容

停止想象,

"stop imagining!" ，就像你说的

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但我就是欲罢不能

071208(2)

why am i here again? shouldn't i be doing my essays now?
saw some random pictures just now.some random picture that made me mad.
do i have a reason or do i even have the right to be mad?

once you said it, you meant it

that is it

life is a one way road

071208

I thought I was going to finish one essay today, this morning to be specific. But the moment when I opened my eyes at eleven thirty this morning, I knew this was not going to happen. I sat on my bed (the evilest invention ever, at least this was what I thought then) and started thinking. Yes thinking, hope that would do me some good. I reflected about what I had been doing these days… eating on my roommate’s table while watching Truman’s world, wasting whole day wandering online doing absolutely nothing. Sleeping, well, over-sleeping, eating junk food, drinking too much coffee.. yah, this is it. I've done enough of this and it’s time to tidy up.

People live and people work :) that’s the rule!

早晨

房间一下子空了.送完了两个室友,现在整个房间都是我的了. 房间空得很,一个人讲话都可以听到回声.

离自己回家还有一个星期.一个星期还有好多事情要干,比如要整理完所有的东西,要写完essay(好吧，我承认这是不现实的），要把不穿了的衣服捐到salvation army,要去一次haji lane，要吃“长城”，要把自己和室友的application的东西寄出，要回家。

有时候很讨厌自己，因为在一个人的时候往往会做出一些让自己后悔的事情。后悔说一些无聊的不应该说的话。后悔想一些漫无边际甚至离谱的人和事。浪费着一些明知弥足珍贵却还在浪费的时间。所以，大部分的时间还是应该和朋友在一起的，至少不能让自己闲着。

无聊和单独是有联系的，很多无聊因为独处造成的，很多胡思乱想是因为无聊造成的，比如这篇post.

i'm still alive

今天有点小小的茅塞顿开的感觉。没有人指点，没有任何事情发生，只是一下子开化了。
自我反省了一下。最近过得太混沌，因为眼前的一些小状况而搞得不愉快，即忽略了整体又把自己弄得老不开心，何苦呢？女人何必为难女人~~~

很多时候的焦躁和不开心其实都来自于内心的不确定和不自信。如果胸有成竹的话，不管什么情况自然都会淡定从容，何来的烦恼呢

当然荷尔蒙也从中起了点作用。

总之，路总是要自己走的，不论是身边有人搀扶还是一路孤身一人。当你自信满满地启程的时候，没有什么能让你烦躁不安

“良好的心境，使一片大海，要乘容下微澜或巨浪，而非停止静止。心可以无限广大，敏感善良却难得。”

能时刻保持心态的平和但又不乏灵性，这是一种修养，

i'm stuck here

yes, this is my long-waited first post. i've never thought that my fisrt post would be in english. but i just had this strong impulse to write something in english.

i guess no one will read this post ( ok, i mean none of my friends except one of my roomies will read this post) since i haven't told anyone about this blog yet. haha, so i think i can say anything i like here before anyone finds it!

as the title suggested, "i'm stuck here", i am stuck!

right now, i'm sitting in the school library, listening to some random but nice songs from the Stone and trying to squeeze out my application essay. i haven't been working for too long i think. i can't write anything! i read through the half- finished essay i wrote the other night, it seems so rubish now :( pls save me, somebody out there, pls,,,save,,,me,,,

i think i'm lost in this whole uni application thingy. i know, this is not supposed to be like this. this whole process should be damn meaningful, self-rediscovering, self- redefining...blah blah blah. i used to agree with that too. but now, with the deadlines aproaching and all the essays untouched, i started to doubt. this is my own fault. i admit. but some times, reality is not that simple. people made things more comlicated for you. people hide, people cheat, people lie, while others try so desperately to dig out the truth, to right the wrong, to keep upright. everyone has his own aganda since everyone is selfish. i can't blame anyone.

pardon me if i sound totaly incoherent and illogic here. some times i don't even know what i'm thinking so i can't tell others, even the closest friends. maybe that's why blogs exist.

i want to get lost for a while (just like SOMEONE but of course for different reasons)i don't know where i want to go, what i want to do. maybe just wandering around and think, and breathe, and come back, and restart.

before i go, i want to say to those who have told me before that when you have something unhappy that you don't or can't tell others, just write it out, that you're right. i feel much better now although i didn't right out that much.

i'm gonna get lost now.

just for a while.

i'll be back...to continue my essays